Numbnuts

This blog was originally posted on Happier Endings on May 20th, 2013.

In the weeks leading up to the MOST EPIC WEDDING EVER my sister and I were getting tipped off that my brother's psycho baby mama was planning some sort of sabotage. She's been known to slash tires and vandalize property so we didn't know what she had up her sleeve this time and we weren't willing to take any chances. She had mentioned on Facebook that she was traveling down to Phoenix from New Mexico for dinner at Cheesecake Factory. Which coincidentally, was one exit away from the wedding venue. Why would someone want to travel 6 hours and 45 minutes for Cheesecake Factory when there's one 3 blocks from their house on the DAY OF their ex's wedding? Yea, no. This overprotective big sister won't be having none of that.

So the night before the wedding I took it upon myself to text her and let her know that we were on to her and I wasn't going to tolerate anymore of her bullshit. The following is a transcript of the conversation that took place.

Me: I just wanted to let you know, if you got the incredibly stupid idea of fucking with my brother and sister, that I have something special planned for you. :) -Sam
Numbnuts: Who the hell is this?
Me: It's Sam. Hence the "-Sam"
Numbnuts: I think you have the wrong number
Me: You know who I am. And I know it's the correct number. You should google yourself every once in awhile.
Numbnuts: Lol omg fat Sam? I can go wherever I want whenever I want. When are you idiots going to learn that I've deleted you from my life. My world has nothing to do with [your brother]. And thanks for the threat. It will be passed on to my lawyer!
Me: I've seen your pictures girl, and your lopsided fake ass tits don't even balance out that belly you're rocking. And I know you're not as quick witted as I, so I'm offering you a word of caution. It would be in your best interest to heed it.
(Recently she had to have corrective surgery on her breast implants because one of them migrated to her armpit. I knew it would be a touchy subject, but I'm also not one to pass up such an opportunity to take a stab at someone so deserving.)
Numbnuts: Oh you hurt my feelings :( lol text me again and I will file a harassment injunction on you as well! Have a nice day
Me: Not a threat. A cautionary word of advice. Consult your lawyer. I'm sure they would advise you to steer clear.
Numbnuts: I have no want to see [your brother] or his tramp or have anything more to do with you people. Get a life and leave me alone. Why are you so interested in my life? You back off and try to come near me. You'll be sorry. Not me. 
Um, huh?
Me: Stay out of my radius and we won't have a problem. Funny calling her a tramp though. From all accounts it sounds like you're still whoring around on your current mangina. 
Numbnuts: Uh ok whatever you say Sam. You are now officially blocked so anything you say won't be seen. Have a nice life. Get a life and stop trying to be a part of mine!


Not long after our conversation my brother got an email from her mother saying that Numbnuts was being harassed by his family and they were going to pursue it in court. The texts were "vulgar and inappropriate". All correspondence was being cc'd to Numbnut's aunt. Please. Take me to court. A judge would throw all of that out in two seconds flat. We were also amused that she ran to her mommy to tattle on me. Whaaa waaaa. 

On the bright side, I rattled her, which was my objective. Her and her fiance deleted their facebook accounts and she never showed her face at the wedding. We all had a blast and everything went off without a hitch. She's miserable and we're all one big happy family. Win win!



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